The Trump Platform
Written by Tony DiGerolamo
Copyright 2011

Donald Trump might be running for president, whether that will be President of the United States or President of the Hair Club for Men is another issue. What is important is that we make fun of him, because the idea of a Trump Presidency is almost as hilarious as one run by George W. Bush. Fortunately, our imaginologists got a hold of the secret Trump platform.

On Medicare: All seniors will instead deposit their taxes in a slot machine, which dispenses doctor’s notes and prescriptions instead of money. Jackpots will be operations requiring overnight stays, which are comped to the wealthiest tax payers.

On the Middle East: Gadaffi, Mubarak and other Middle East leaders will agree to be on a season of “The Apprentice” where losers get shot instead of getting fired. The winner gets to be president of the entire Middle East, provide he agrees to keep all the Blackjack tables in his country at $10 and up.

Artie Lange tells funny joke about Donald Trump by malkoen

On the Housing Crisis: Instead of letting house prices drop to where they should be, make the houses worth what borrowers paid by adding marble columns, gold leaf and ceiling paintings. Home owners will also be allowed to install one craps table and one roulette table to generate revenue and offset their property taxes.

On Rising Crime Rates: Offer Superman $100 million dollars to capture all the criminals and fly them to a prison on the moon. The prison actually just a crater to dump the bodies.

On the Banking Crisis: All banks will be turned into casinos, since that’s what they are now anyways.

On the TSA: All patdowns are to be done by really hot chicks, so no one complains that they’re doing it anymore.

On Gay Marriage: Supports not only gay marriage, but multiple gay divorce.

The White House: Tear it down and rebuild it as “The Trump House” featuring legislation, the precious works of the Founding Fathers and live shows at 4, 6, 8:30 and 11.

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