Oscars We’d Like to See
Written by Tony DiGerolamo
Copyright 2011

The Academy Awards are like going to the dentist. You can put it off the unpleasantness for a while, but eventually you have to see it. There’s nothing like watching millionaires pat themselves on the back while the economy goes to Hell. Here are some Oscar awards we’d like to see:

Oscars We’d Like to See

Most Obscure Movie: Hey, at least Winter’s Bone would’ve won something. Let’s face it, America’s taste in movies sucks. If it doesn’t have explosions and a massive set of cans in it most Americans will wait for it to show up on NetFlix.

Most Uncomfortable Moment: Kirk Douglas is a living legend, but not for much longer. It’s good to see the guy walking around, but if I wanted to listen to old people talk slow, I’d hang out with my own grandparents. How about using that CGI to speed this thing along?

Award for Best Ass in Show Business: If Scarlett Johansson gets any hotter, the stage and audience will burn down around her. Who cares if she can act? You could balance two pints of beer on that perfectly shaped apple bottom. It would actually be an award where you wouldn’t mind to see the clips again.

Most Costume Changes: Jesus, did they clone Anne Hathaway? Or did they simply layer her with all 65 outfits and strip them off one at a time? If they did, it’s a good thing she only weighs 87 lbs.

Award for Looking Totally Stoned: It’s a good thing James Franco didn’t win an Oscar. He probably would’ve hollowed it out and turned it into a bong before the closing credits. I’ve seen guys in Cheech & Chong movies that look less stoned than this guy. They must’ve kept a trashcan full of Doritos on hand just to feed him during the show.

Share on Facebook