Five People You’ll Meet At the Beach

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Five People You’ll Meet At the Beach
Written by Tony DiGerolamo
Copyright 2010

Kiddie McBreeder: McBreeder doesn’t just have kids, she has a brood. She brings her litter to the shore because it’s free. She can let the little monster run free, destroying your sand castle, stealing your Frisbee and kicking sand into your face when you’re trying to read. Don’t bother complaining. She’s more sick of her kids than you are.

Yuri Peein: He comes from the land down under and apparently, men wear thongs there. This fat, hairy bastard doesn’t speak English, so he won’t understand what you’re trying to say while your dry heaving at the sight of him. Just be happy he’s wearing that man thong. You don’t want to risk having the lifeguard warning him “not to wear that” and misinterpreting.

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Kindle Techistein: Kindle has come to the beach, but spends all his time enjoying his gadgets. Armed with his ipod, ipad, cellphone and laptop, his only question is, “Where do I plug in?” There’s more beeps and bloops coming from his blanket than the arcade at the boardwalk. Maybe he’ll discover a beach screen saver and never darken your beach again.

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Jock Sportson: When Jock isn’t on the beach, he’s usually blasting his quads. Unable to stop playing sports or exercising, even for one day, he turns the beach into his private gym. Volleyball, handball, paddleball, football— It’s all good, bro. Just so long as you can step on people while trying to make a pointless catch or smack someone in the head with a ball. It’s a shame he can’t swim or rather, it’s a shame he won’t go in the water and die.

Foodie O’Kitchenbring: Foodie has more food with him than the Shop Rite down the street. Whether the beach allows cooking or not, Foodie will cart entire meals to the beach. But his trash and the smell are not the worst. The worst is that his overweight kids always end up feeding the seagulls. In no time, the winged rats of the sea are pooping on everyone.