Tony D’s Tough Choices

Tony D’s Tough Choices
Written by Tony DiGerolamo
Copyright 2010

It seems like every day, the US is threatening someone. Usually, it’s Iran or the Housing Market. The world is coming apart at the seems and soon, worrying about your insurance will seem fun as compared to worrying if the water you’re drinking is radioactive. Tough choices are around the corner. Here’s a guide that can help.

Boats vs. McDonald’s: Let’s face it, you’re American and you owe your physique to McDonald’s. But on the other hand, you’re American and you owe your physique to McDonald’s. Fish suck unless they’re bathed in deep fried goodness after being chopped up into sticks. Of course, most of the bridges will be out when the end comes, so how are you going to go to Manhattan and Philadelphia. Do you want to live in New Jersey?

Winner: Boats!

Bottled Beer vs. Bongs: There’s only so much glass to go around. Beer is your most important beverage, but then bongs hold your most important smoke. Still, there’s not going to be much refrigeration left. Then again, there should be plenty of those plastic honey bears to convert.

Winner: Bottled Beer!

The TV show Cops vs. the Postal Service: Let’s face it, Cops is going into its 20th or 22nd season, we forget. How many times can you see a redneck get his ass kicked? Or some gangbang trip over his own baggy pants? Then again, who needs the Post Office if the Internet still works? What is this? A Kevin Costner movie?

Winner: The TV show Cops!

Hair Stylists vs. Rock Music: Without hair stylists, we will quickly look like the rest of the world: ie ugly, shaggy bastards. Then again, rockstars all look like ugly shaggy bastards and look at all the tail they get. But rock music is passé and corny now. All the best stuff was recorded prior to 1974 if you discount Pearl Jam. Then again, do you really want to pay $40 for a cut while the world is burning? Fuck that.

Winner: Rock Music

Breast Implants vs. Living Past 50: With the end coming, healthcare will decline as well as nutrition. People will be too busy running from skin-eating ghouls to think about regularly exercising. Then again, breast implants are— Ah, who am I kidding? If I can’t get a lapdance from a pair of Double D’s, who wants to live at all?