My Quest for the New Apple iPhone 4
by Rich Ramirez

“Can I get the new Apple iPhone 4, honey?” Seems like a slam dunk question to me, I mean look at my current iPhone.

It’s in the trenches everyday battling an idiot (me) and a 4-year old and a 2-year old. It actually looks pretty good considering the tour of duty it’s on in my house. Mind you, I did not get the latest iPhone, the 3GS, which came out last summer, so I am due, right?

So I told my wife I was pre-ordering the new Apple iPhone 4 on Tuesday to which she responded, “No, lets save that for a Christmas gift.”

This is me being floored by that response

Well that sucks. I was really looking forward to having fun with my new iPhone 4. I was talking to my best friend last week how we both were going to order new iPhones and we were pretty jacked about it. FYI, the last time I remember my wife saying no to me buying something was when I wanted to buy a bullhorn megaphone. She politely asked why I wanted it and I retorted that when we get drunk at the pool with all our friends I don’t want to have to yell, I’ll have the megaphone. Plus the bullhorn had a bunch of other sweet sounds also. FAIL!

Time to strategize in the WAR ROOM

I need a new plan and I need one now. That phone looks sweet and I can’t wait till Christmas. I’m one of those people who loves his iPhone. Maybe the wife just needs a little prodding. Let’s see how solid she is on this plan of hers. Maybe she’ll waver a little bit.

Nope, she’s not budging on this one.

Back to the WAR ROOM

After much thought, I have a pretty good Plan B. This one sucks, but it should work. This is my plan:

Lose Weight

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not Fat Bastard or anything, but I gained about 10 pounds over the winter and it never went away. I craved comfort food in my first brutal winter up here north of Chicago, and I’m getting older so the metabolism isn’t what it used to be. Oh, and I’m lazy as shit, maybe that is also a factor. Who knows, maybe not.

Proposal:

Why are my wife and daughter sleeping? Am I that boring?

Jump on the scale, or in this case the Wii god damn fit. Get a measurement and have my wife pick a weight that she wants me at. When I achieve the goal, I get my new baby, iPhone 4. She was down with this so we went in for the official weigh in. I would say normally I am around 168-170. I’m not fit but I’m not shit either. After my winter of weight gain I weighed in at 177 1/2 lbs. She wants me at 165 lbs, mostly so I have something to get and something to gain – fitness. I agreed begrudgingly, so it’s game on. She is giving me 3 months (September 13th). I say, no problem, maybe I should order that motherfucking phone right now, so I can dangle that iPhone over my cardio machine like a god damn carrot swinging over a donkey.

Updates on my quest for the iPhone 4

Maybe every few weeks, I’ll update my progress or lack of progress so you can gauge how I’m doing. Not that any of you give a flying shit but hey, it’s my blog, my rules. I will be accepting wagers and all kinds of betting. Will I make it? Will I fold and talk with a flip phone or shoe phone from now on? How many weeks or months will it take me, etc, etc.

First Update: at the official weigh in I was 177 1/2. Today not 24 hours later, I am 178 1/2

Fuck the weight, how about that cool hat and glasses I’m sporting, rad right? Do you know those lens change when my little Mii charter goes outside? Also, when my little fucker goes inside they lighten up so his ass can see better. Technology is brilliant.

Let’s go to the first scorecard: Day 2

If I have to starve myself like the Dalai Lama to get the damn iPhone 4 I will. Hey, me and his holiness the Dalai Lama in the same sentence, he would be so proud that he made my blog. I’ll tell him the next time I see him at Applebee’s.

Alright, tell fat ass Kirstie Alley you’re watching a new weight gain in progress, mine. Guess my weight for the iPhone 4 will have to wait longer. Get it? Never mind, I’m off to get eat nothing! Maybe I’ll eat my old iPhone.

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